If you’ve ever found yourself agreeing when you really wanted to say no, apologising for things that weren’t your fault, or bending over backwards to keep the peace, you may be stuck in the fawn response—a lesser-known survival strategy deeply ingrained in many women. Unlike the more commonly recognised fight-or-flight reactions, fawning is all about appeasing others to maintain emotional safety.
The Fawn Response: A Survival Strategy Disguised as Kindness
Coined by trauma specialist Pete Walker, the fawn response is one of four primary reactions to stress: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn. While fight and flight gear the body up for action, and freeze shuts everything down, fawn is a learned adaptation to danger—particularly relational danger. Instead of resisting or running, a person becomes hyper-focused on pleasing others, subconsciously believing that being agreeable will prevent conflict, rejection, or abandonment.
For many women, this pattern starts early, often rooted in attachment dynamics with their primary caregiver. Mother Hunger by Kelly McDaniel explores how women who lacked adequate maternal nurturing often develop deep-seated insecurity, leading them to prioritise others’ needs over their own. If a child’s emotional needs were met inconsistently—or worse, if love was conditional on being “good”—they may have learned that the safest way to receive love and attention was to become hyper-vigilant to others’ needs while suppressing their own.
Why Women Are More Likely to Fawn
Men and women both experience stress responses, but research suggests that social conditioning and biological factors make women more likely to adopt fawning, while men lean towards fight or flight. Historically, women have been taught that their value lies in being accommodating, nurturing, and self-sacrificing. Many cultures reinforce the idea that a “good” woman is agreeable and puts others first.
Meanwhile, men—socialised to be assertive and independent—are more likely to externalise stress through anger (fight) or avoidance (flight). Women, on the other hand, often internalise stress and turn to people-pleasing, hoping to prevent conflict before it even arises.
Signs You’re Caught in the Fawn Response
- You feel exhausted from constantly managing other people’s emotions.
- You struggle to set boundaries and feel guilty when you do.
- You say yes when you want to say no.
- You prioritise others’ emotions over your own, often at your own expense.
- You feel anxious or uncomfortable when someone is upset with you.
- You tend to avoid conflict at all costs, even when it means suppressing your own needs.
How to Heal from the Fawn Response and Reclaim Your Power
Healing from chronic people-pleasing starts with recognising that your needs matter, too. Here’s how you can start shifting away from fawning and towards authentic self-expression:
- Identify Your Triggers – Notice when you slip into appeasement mode. Is it around authority figures? In romantic relationships? With friends who expect too much?
- Reconnect with Your Needs – Start asking yourself: What do I want? How do I feel? Journal, meditate, or spend time alone to get in touch with your inner voice.
- Set Small Boundaries – You don’t have to start with a dramatic confrontation. Try saying, “I need to think about it,” instead of an automatic yes.
- Tolerate Discomfort – Boundaries can feel scary at first. Remind yourself that it’s okay if someone is momentarily unhappy with you.
- Practice Self-Compassion – You learned to fawn for survival. It was a coping mechanism, not a character flaw. Be kind to yourself as you unlearn it.
- Seek Support – Therapy, support groups, or books like Mother Hunger can help you navigate the healing process.
From People-Pleasing to Personal Power
Fawning might have once kept you safe, but it no longer has to define you. Learning to prioritise your own needs isn’t selfish—it’s essential. As you step into your authentic self, you’ll find that true connection doesn’t come from shrinking yourself to keep the peace but from standing in your truth and knowing that you are worthy of love just as you are.
Are you ready to start setting boundaries and reclaiming your voice and your power? Let’s talk in the comments!
The Art of Wellness Toolkit: A Creative Odyssey to a Vibrant Existence
Are you ready to step into a life filled with purpose, creativity, and authenticity? Do you want to break free from limiting beliefs, make empowered choices, and create a life that truly reflects your inner potential?
The Art of Wellness Toolkit is your guide to transformation. This online course includes 44 practical tools designed to nurture your mental and emotional wellness, deepen your relationships, and explore creativity, mindfulness, and spirituality. Each concept offers adaptable practices to suit your unique style of self-expression.
For those who love the feel of a book in their hands, the Art of Wellness Toolkit book is also available on Amazon, providing a beautifully crafted resource to accompany you on this creative journey.
Discover your path to a more vibrant existence—start your journey today!
The online course gives you lifetime access and is currently only AUD$44.00 for a limited time! It includes extra content including videos, playlists and articles:
Want to know more about the toolkit?
Leave a Reply